To Be or Not to Be

So here I am being myself. No, I'm not drunk. That's just me. I'm dancing the Maypole and having fun.

These are the kinds of pictures I used to throw away. But now I'm trying to learn to accept myself as I am, not as so many others want me to be. This is the photo I've submitted to the Autistic Adults Picture Project.

Most of my pictures were like this, or worse, or not much better. My grandmother used to say that I was one of the most un-photogenic people she ever knew. My brother was constantly embarrassed by me in social settings. That was because, from his point of view, I just looked like a dork most of the time.

I've worked awfully hard all my life to fit in. In our society, for a woman to look "normal" is to look as attractive as possible. Finally, I can do it for just a little while with an enormous amount of work. So I limit my contact with others. For example, at first, I refused to dance the Maypole, knowing that the concentration I would need to keep me from falling flat on my face would make it impossible for me to pretend to be anything other than what I am -- autistic.

Compare this photo with my carefully arranged one (at the top of this page on the right) where I'm working very hard to look neurotypical.

So it seems that I always have a difficult choice. Either I look like a dork which turns people off, or else I work hard to look "normal" with the result that some people tell me I'm too high functioning to have any problems. I just can't win!